Don’t Be a Dick
by The Good Reverend Roger –
Take a look at the news today. There will be gleeful stories about people being dicks. People raping people. People murdering people. People raping and THEN murdering people. All of them dicks, and a special kind of dick sitting behind the news desk, telling you all the gory details with a look of studied concern on his face. He seems to be puzzled as to why the peasants would act in such a fashion…
Whereas a normal person being forced to barf up this litany of dickishness would have a look of profound disgust on their faces.
If you listen to that guy, you’ll think being a dick is NORMAL. It isn’t.
And if you change the channel, there’s Jack Bauer torturing some bastard because he’s a SPECIAL kind of dick, the sort of dick we need to protect us from dicks from other countries. You know what I mean. Smudgy dicks who blow people up because “why the hell not?” This might lead you to believe that ONE kind of dick is better than ANOTHER kind of dick, and that one kind of dick is somehow “heroic”. They aren’t.
No, brothers and sisters, the plain fact of the matter is that being a dick is just that…Being a dick. The one thing dicks have in common is that they make the world WORSE for people around them. Some more than others, obviously, but that’s just a matter of SCALE. Lester Maddox was a medium-scale dick, for example, and Jerry Falwell was a gigantic dick.
But the kind of dick that causes the most damage is the small-time dick. The LITTLE dick. Because they make up for in volume what they lack in scale. I’m looking at YOU, dick who is slipping roofies in that girl’s drink. I’m talking to you, dick who is tormenting the cashier or being rude to the waiter because you can. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, DICK WHO JUST FEELS THE NEED TO SAY SOMETHING MEAN TO SOMEONE FOR ANY REASON OR NO REASON AT ALL.
Dicks always have excuses, too. “I had a bad day”, when the behavior happens every day. Or perhaps “My love life isn’t what it ought to be, so all members of my target gender are fair game for dickery”. PROTIP: You aren’t a dick because you can’t get laid, you can’t get laid because YOU ARE A DICK. All of these excuses boil down to the same thing, and that thing is “I am a small person and I feel bigger when I shit all over everyone around me, like the baboon that I am.”
Everyone acts like a dick now and again. It happens. But if it happens on a regular basis, then you are no longer ACTING like a dick, you’re BEING a dick. It has become your new state of normalcy. What, after all, is an evil person? Obviously, an evil person is a person that does evil things. And a dick is a person who does dickish things… And the ONLY difference between an evil person and a dick is that at least the evil person has some level of over-the-top, widescreen mania to their bad actions. Dicks are just boring in their evil.
Now, if you mull things over and realize that you are in fact a dick, there’s still hope. There is in fact a CURE for being a dick. We Doktors refer to this cure as “STOP BEING A DICK”. It’s easier than it sounds. You just stop being a passive aggressive sack of shit. You stop trying to be an “alpha” pick up artist. You stop deliberately trying to torque people up because it is the ONLY MEANING LEFT IN YOUR LIFE.
And that’s the real trick, isn’t it? If you go out and BUILD A LIFE for yourself, you will be so interested in that life that you won’t have TIME to shit on other people, and YOU WON’T EVEN WANT TO.
Happy people aren’t dicks.
It’s just that simple.