Bad Words of Wisdom
A lot of people hoard videogames, comic books, or other forms of popular media. Myself, I have a huge collection of those rare NASA tapes where astronauts cuss over the radio. It only serves to reinforce my belief that Power Cursing™ is the ideal force for accomplishing human ambition within human lifetimes. These motherfuckers are so salty, it’s no wonder Mars has all that rust.
Now, all of that has been censored from the live broadcast. In those times of brave men and derring-do, NASA had to keep all of this secret. This was ultimately fruitless, of course, because anyone who has spent more than fifteen minutes around a Russian rocket scientist knows that they, too, have developed a pidgin language that consists entirely of profanity. This is the secret
to their remarkable productivity, and also a defense against espionage – CIA assets that couldn’t swear convincingly when the office coffeepot runs dry could never pass as a Russian thermodynamics expert.
Following the 1970s, the rest of the world had figured out the secret and Asia in particular was primed and ready to call a bolt a goddamn piece of fucking shit. However, Japanese curses were simply too complicated for all but the most advanced North American linguists. Facing a dire shortage of experts, the government chose to redirect all those profani-capable assholes into the burgeoning microcomputer industry. This inadvertently caused the collapse of American automakers, who were forced to use ineffective phrases like “dadgum it” and “sharecropper” when faced with malfunctioning assembly-line robots.
So the next time you’re trying to loosen a rusted bolt, and it’s just not working, try cursing. Science has proven that it works. And you better fucking trust scientists, or they’ll rat you out to your mom for all that bad language.
-Seat Safety Switch